Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Fireworks and Drama

I just survived a vacation of keeping three small boys alive and not completely encrusted in grime or lost somewhere in the deep dark wilderness! I have had a blog planned in my head about that vacation, of my twins and some remarkable discoveries about their personalities this trip has illuminated. But, alas, I have returned to Drama and Issues that must be dealt with.

The Drama involves my daughter. As I have mentioned before, she is thirteen. I had her when I was very young, three months after graduating early from high school. Her father and I lost touch before I discovered I was pregnant, and she and her father only recently (when she was ten) met each other. He lives in a different state, so they do not have an opportunity to spend much time with each other to get acquainted. Mostly, they have talked on the phone with a few weeks of summer visits thrown in. Their relationship has been tenuous, at best.

Honestly, my poor adolescent judgment of character and lack of sound decision-making skills is all too evident in the man that is her father. The woman I am today would never have dreamed of copulating with that man. I was really a stupid kid, and he is my penance for that stupidity. He is kind of rough around the edges, the kind of guy who is allergic to education and "book learning" and who thinks of tattoos as fine art.

In fairness to him, what a shock for him to discover out of the blue that he has a ten year old daughter! I do empathise with that. And to be fair, he does try, usually, to attempt a some kind of relationship with her. But last night he really did some damage that I don't think The Girl will ever forgive--understandably so.

This past week, instead of taking a trip with us (me, Hubz, the Fellers and Big J) The Girl elected to visit with her father who was staying with relatives nearby. To make a long story short, she mostly had a good time hanging out with some girl cousins her age (poor girl is stuck in a family with an over-abundance of boys), shopping, pillow fights, playing with her younger half-brothers. The trouble didn't actually begin until tonight at about eight o'clock, four hours after her aunt dropped her off at home.

While browsing an online book catalogue, eagerly anticipating my vacation blog and sorting details in my mind, I received a strange and terse phonecall from my daughter's father. He did not ask for her. Instead he asked--no, told!-- me to search her bags. Huh? For money that some people, including her little brother, think might have gone missing. What? The? F***?

Okay, I have a real problem with that, arbitrarily searching my daughter's bags at a time in her life when privacy is of utmost importance and respecting her as the young woman she is. Also, I don't think I need to mention how adverse I am to being told what to do by a guy who is only now talking to me because of a cruel trick of fate fourteen years ago decided that the sperm he deposited in me met up with an ovum that happened to actually adhere to the uterine wall and-- voila--life!

Furthermore, I know my daughter. She is not a thief. I know, I know. We all want to think the best of little Johnny and Jenny. They are all perfect and can do no wrong, yet there are still murderers and crooks and politicians. But, seriously, I know my daughter. It was just she and I for so many years. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but the girl is just. not. a thief. She may have a smart mouth from time to time, and try her hand at manipulation. Sometimes she is too demanding. But, damn it, she doesn't steal. She is a hard worker, earns what she gets and is proud of that. And it really pisses me off this sperm-depositing, tattoo-infested person is accusing her, and apparently convicting her, of something so wrong without any real evidence or specific details of what was supposedly stolen, when and where.

I told him I would "have a word" with her and call him back. About ten minutes later, he called back and I told him I discovered no evidence of The Girl stealing. He told me (again with the orders!) to put her on. He then proceeded to scream and swear at her how she had to "send back all the money she jacked from everyone, and he would not speak with her again until she did so". Um. Not. Cool. So not cool. Color me unimpressed.

Anyway, instead of composing my charming vacation blog, I composed an e-mail to said sperm-depositor. I have been cutting him slack the last three years because of the whole shocking I Have a Ten Year Old Daughter!? thing, but now, after this BS, I am done with that. You have another kid, dude, deal already. Here it is. Read it and weep!

[Father of The Girl],

This whole Missing Money situation sounds kind of contrived to me. There are several things that reek of bullshit about your hypothesis that The Girl is a thief.

First: I have had a few different families staying with me over the course of the last several years. Never once has anyone ever complained that they or their children were missing things or money. Neither has she ever stolen anything from her step- brothers or me. And she has had great opportunity, as this is a small house and very chaotic. In addition, none of her friends' parents has ever accused her of stealing any of her friends' things when she has been at their houses. In fact, her friends' parents always make it a point to tell me what a sweet, well-mannered, polite and delightful girl she is and she is welcomed any time, even over to girls' houses whose parents don't allow other kids over. She is a VERY trustworthy girl.

Second: The Girl is a straight A student, has perfect attendance and is involved in several extracurricular activities. She is a hard working, good girl, not the type of person who would steal.

Third: The Girl is a wanna-be vegetarian, PETA member, and seriously involved in human rights and environmental concerns. It does not seem likely that such a budding bleeding heart would steal money, especially from her little brother.

Fourth: This whole situation is just ridiculous in that no one knows how much money he or she had to begin with, when he or she had it, where he or she lost it. There is a serious lack of specific details and evidence that The Girl stole the money, if indeed any money was even stolen at all. It seems as if everyone is hopping rather eagerly on this bandwagon to blame The Girl, who is the very last person I would ever suspect of stealing.

Another thing: I don't care what you think The Girl may or may not have done. I don't care if you think being her father gives you the right, because you are so wrong there. It is completely unacceptable to scream and swear at her like you did on the phone tonight. That is called verbal and emotional abuse, and I will not have my daughter subjected to that kind of treatment. Don't EVER do that again.


One Seriously Pissed Off Mother

Anyway, how was your Holiday?



The Girl's father did call late last night to apologize, but by then the damage was already done.


Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

Oh ... oooohhh ...ERK!

This post made me so angry on your and Girl's behalf that I had to get up and walk away for a bit.

I SWEAR. If that was MY ex, I'd jerk a knot in his tail to tight he'd squeak when he walked.

But you're not me. (thank goodness) You're rational and reasonable.

Is she ever going over there again? What a loser he is.


06 July, 2006 08:28  
Blogger Michele said...

I think 13 is about the age I was when I started learning that some people really just suck. I am so sorry the girl was hurt and I hope she feels somewhat better today.

I wonder, as Blue does, will she go back?

06 July, 2006 09:15  
Anonymous Susan said...

What a horrible way to end a nice weekend!

She sounds like a very impressive young lady to me. She is lucky to have a mom who trusts, respects, and supports her so much.

He has turned out to be a real jerk, but you could not possibly have predicted that 14 years ago. You were young, please give yourself a break, and, rest assured, you have done a spectacular job raising her; she will be OK, bruised, but OK.

06 July, 2006 09:43  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Good for you for being so diplomatic and thoughtful with your response. I'm sure I would have skipped right to your final paragraph with a few choice insults tossed in for good measure. I'm a hothead and I appreciate your restraint.

But really, that last paragraph is all you need. He is not a father. I'm sorry she had to find it out this way. At least she has one fantastic parent, and that's more than some people.

06 July, 2006 19:08  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

I had one hand over my mouth the entire time that I was reading this. How absolutely terrible for your girl, and for you. Give her an extra big hug (from a wierd internet stranger who is wishing hugs for her).

06 July, 2006 20:47  
Anonymous sherry said...


Glad the guy came to his senses and apologize, but you're right...damage done.

*Am refraining from making rude comment about Girl's Father, out of respect for Macboudica*

*Am telling you, IT'S HARD!*

06 July, 2006 21:00  
Blogger Sharpie said...

SO SORRY for your daughter. Hard ENOUGH lesson to learn that OTHER people can treat you bad - WORST LESSON EVER to learn from dear ole dad.

She must have been devastated - poor thing. You're doing right honey, keep her protected.

07 July, 2006 07:05  
Anonymous wolfbaby said...

what a jerk...

your right it reeks of something funky

08 July, 2006 22:17  

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