Can of worms

Recently, I broke up with my sister. Probably, the break-up was inevitable. Ironically, I broke up with her via blog.

I was upset with the way my sister was dealing with my daughter (a moot point and an issue I do not want to detract from the main focus: the relationship or lack thereof I have with my sister), so I turned to my anonymous realm, my sanctuary. An anonymous realm of people I don't know by sight, yet I know via shared experiences, who's actual names are a mystery, but who's spirit is clear as the sun after a storm. It is a place where anonymous friends commune here and throughout the mommy-blogosphere to share their experiences, to rant, to vent. This blog is a place for me to think, to organize my thoughts and feelings, to sort things out for myself that otherwise would still be buried in the attic of my mind, uselessly collecting dust, to bring ideas to fruition, to receive feedback, to know I am not alone.

Unbeknownst to me, my sister has been visiting my blog--a lurker, never commenting. Our relationship is such that she never told me she visited, just as I never invited her here. I have held her at a distance from many of my feelings, a few of them about her, some about our dysfunctional family, most about my life as the adult I am, my life now, my current family. I did not--do not-- feel comfortable with the intimacy of her visits here to my sanctuary. Maybe it is because I don’t feel close to her. Maybe it is because there is always this barrier, this secret List of Topics to Avoid (I will get into that later). I want to be able to speak candidly here, what I feel without fear of hurting those I love.

I guess I felt too comfortable and treaded into the List's territory. I posted a blog listing differences in our personality and parenting styles (and I won't list them again so as not to offend her once more) and some concerns I have about her relationship with her husband to be, obviously none of my business. I believe she read more into that post than what I meant --she saw criticism in comparisons only. I listed differences--and she thought the descriptions I made of her portrayed her as a bad person, perhaps as a bad mother. Let me be clear--that was not my intent. What I thought she was doing to my daughter was a bad action, but that does not make her a bad person. I love my sister and respect and admire her because of her differences. I seriously erred when I buried my heartfelt feelings of our differences, the distance in our relationship, in an explosive yet trivial issue. I let my anger over the trivial issue bitterly flavor the feelings I expressed in the post and posted something confused, messy, and certainly not helpful to resolving either situation.

The deeper issue I should have treated with the utmost care and concern, should have handled with kid gloves, giving it its own space, and keeping it crystal clear. That issue is the slow, steady rotting away of my relationship with my sister.

This has been our relationship for the last six years or more: we live only five miles from each other, yet we rarely visit, our kids rarely play together, we rarely even talk on the phone. And not for any particular reason. I cannot point to one particular angry or emotional event that caused this drift. She is busy. I am busy. And, like I said, we are different. Somewhere along the line, it stopped being important to us to have a relationship, to nurture it, regardless of our status as sisters. Thus, our relationship wilted, withered and now, thanks to my most indiscreet post, has finally rotted to nothing.

I tried to call her after I found her husband to be’s anonymous comment calling into question my character and even going so far as to say my daughter knows the truth (I am assuming he meant of what a vile, lying bitch I am? Only guessing here since my sister won’t acknowledge my existence anymore). Unfortunately, the husband to be was guard-dogging her cell phone. And was he fired up. I was accused of posting my frustration instead of confronting my sister via phone or face-to-face. I should have left an urgent message stating I have concerns. Really, I find that both hilarious and infinitely sad. Rarely does my sister answer the phone when I call. Rarely does she return phone calls. In order for her to actually return my call the message should be "urgent"? Following that logic, it is okay for her to ignore me on a regular basis, but I am worthy of concern when something is "urgent". To me, that speaks volumes about the status of our relationship and how I really rate with her.

And I wonder, why if he was screening her calls, if she was really avoiding me, did he even answer the phone when he saw my number? Isn’t that why people have caller ID?

This brings me to the concerns I have about her husband and her relationship with him. This is a Topic definitely on the List! I probably should not have voiced them. In our family, we grew up eating denial sandwiches for breakfast, and she has made it more than clear that she is absolutely madly in love with this man, so would everyone kindly leave him and her alone, thank you very much. Okay. Point taken. I should not worry. I will stop worrying or caring. So I apologize for any defamation against her husband to be and will refrain from ever questioning their relationship again because obviously I don’t know shit about it and her distance from me these past years has assured my ignorance.

On the other hand, the husband to be is awfully busy fanning the flames of my sister’s fury rather than encouraging her to try to work out whatever has gotten her normally close mouthed, never say nothing sister who works so hard to stick to Topics sanctioned by the List so worked up. Definitely, our break up will ensure that I know nothing, that I see nothing. I get the feeling he is a real fan of us breaking up. Sorry, I know, that is on the List.

I have tried to be cavalier about this, to pretend her silence doesn't hurt. But it has hurt, and her refusal to face me does hurt. I can't deny that. I can't even fully understand it.

I have been thinking and wondering about what to do about all this, if there is even anything I can do. Obviously phoning is out. Should I send her a letter? If I send it to her house will it just be thrown in the trash, unopened and unread, my heartfelt feelings tossed like junk mail? Should I stop by and be shunned? So I thought, this dilemma, if not born via blog, was certainly brought to light here. Here is where I will state my case, in my invaded sanctuary. Read it or not, care or don't care. It doesn't matter anymore. Our relationship can't get any worse, and for something this painful I need an outlet.