Envy

I mentioned in an earlier entry that I started running this summer. This entry really isn't about running, but about Envy. I had a comment yelled at me out a car window while I was on the homeward stretch yesterday that got the old motor running, and I have not been able to stop thinking about envy since.

What I will say about the running is it is going well, but it is very hard work. You have to be devoted, committed and willing/able to ignore some discomfort. I have researched and practiced and now I am up to a fairly strong (at least for me) run for half an hour at least four times a week. I am sure that will change as the kids and Hubz go back to school and I am at home with three boys and only a double jogging stroller and the weather starts getting cold. I guess if I am determined to keep up the running through the winter, I will have to devise a new system, if I want to do it bad enough. I haven't really lost any weight, but I have melted off some inches in the hips/butt area. But I have discovered that it is something I enjoy. I am committed to it. I will repeat that this has all been accomplished through Hard Work and tenacity to stick to it no matter what.

Back to yesterday: I was crossing the intersection of the one major street before the last three blocks of my run. A car pulled up to the intersection opposite me waiting at the light to cross. Because the street is not too terribly busy when I run (after morning rush hour) I ignore the lights and just cross when there is no traffic. So yesterday, when the road was clear, I crossed the street towards this car. I usually just ignore cars and trucks and other pedestrians because I am focused on my job and by the homeward stretch (and because some people are a little weird and give me the willies, so to be fair I ignore everyone--an equal opportunity running snob if you will) I need to focus harder because I am usually wearing out a little. As I put my foot down on the opposite sidewalk, (left foot, exhale, holding the side ache at bay, concentrate, focus, almost home...) a woman yelled out to me, startling me out of my stride, tripping me up a little.

The woman yelled, "I envy you, what your doing. I wish I had the motivation to do what your doing. I envy you!"

I just chuckled nervously, waved at her and wiped sweat from my eyes.

Envy? Me?

I have never considered myself worthy of envy. Especially since what I was doing was something anyone could do, right? I just did it, nothing special about that.

Those were my initial thoughts.

If I am being honest though, I have to admit I do work hard to achieve fitness. I have set it as a priority, I put in the time, I suffer the consequences (the pains and the discomfort), and I reap the rewards (fewer inches, toned legs, runners high--a blessed stress reliever).

As I was thinking about it I remembered an essay, Who Are You Calling Lucky? that I read recently on the Mothersmovement.org about a SAHM who struggles with people's envy, "You are so lucky to be doing what you are, staying at home with your kids. You are lucky to have a husband who makes enough that you can do that." I have encountered that envy, too, as a SAHM. As she explained so much better than I can express, the experience of SAHM for her is one born of sacrifice. She and her husband do without and she stays at home because they don't want the kids growing up in daycare and they felt it is what is best for their family. So they do without: without cable, without Netflix, without dinners out, without many other luxuries. Sacrifice. I guess what I am saying, too, is that the reason she doesn't feel enviable is because what she has comes at a high cost to her and her husband. It was a decision that requires continuous commitment and fortitude and sacrifice. That essay really struck a cord with me because, while I am happy to stay at home and grow up my own kids, it is done with a cost.It was decision my husband and I made because it is what is best for us, but the costs are great. We do not live in luxury, and my husband works two (or more) jobs often to just barely make ends meet. We have no fancy furniture. Our kids wear hand-me-down (not the teens, but the designer stuff they have to buy themselves). So it does not often seem like a blessing to me as I take my threadworn 5-year-old bras out of the wash and mend up the holes where the underwires are poking out.

After reading that essay and my encounter with the woman in the car, I have been thinking a lot about envy. What do I envy? Why? Is the object (state of being) obtainable? If so, what is the cost? Is it a price I am willing and able to pay?

Are envialble objects always won through pain? If there is no pain, is the object worth the envy? Is the old cliche No Pain No Gain always true?

And what do I have that is worth envy?

The answer is surprising: Much more than I would ever have thought...

***Edited to add:

Sometimes we work so hard or sacrifice so much that we forget that we have set out to accomplish a goal and that goal, once accomplished, is indeed something envialble.